Stick ’em up, pervert. I caught you red-handed.
*To Catch A Predator theme starts playing*
I know why you’re here. The boys of Disney and Studio Ghibli just weren’t doing it for you, huh? You wanted more…. that right, you greedy bastard? You wanted to peek in on some hot anime girls? Take a little looksy on the screen and tell yourself you ain’t hurtin’ nobody by lookin’? That true? Say it.
Don’t play bewildered with me. I hear the same excuses all the time.
*slaps you in the face*
You say you’re coming around here lookin’ for “waifu material.” Save it. Scum like you are looking for one thing and one thing only: “oppai.” Oh you don’t know your favorite Japanese word now, do you? You forgot the translation? I DON’T BELIEVE YOU. SAY IT.
*slaps you until you say it*
THAT’S RIGHT. IT MEANS “BREASTS.” “BOOBS”. “TATAS”. And whatever other sick terms you kids say these days. Maybe you call ’em “MELONS” or “BAZOOKAS” or “SANDWICH BAGGIES FILLED WITH STEAMIN’ HOT HAM.” Well, that hot ham has gone cold, kiddo, cause the jig is up.
*throws a chair*
So you want sexy anime girls, do you? Well lucky for you, I’m feeling charitable today. I’ll give you sexy anime girls. I’ll give you anime girls so sexy you’re gonna throw your disgusting anime cat-girl body pillow in the trash where it belongs. Cause these girls? These girls are WOMEN. With JOBS. And BRAINS. And AMBITIONS. And (semi) ACCURATE BODY PROPORTIONS. AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE? THEY’RE FUCKING PRETTY, TOO, BUT THAT’S NOT THE ONLY THING ABOUT THEM.
*chugs water, breathes*
Listen, I’m doing you a favor. You keep going down the road you’re on, and you’re only gonna be disappointed. Take it from me, I was like you once. They used to call me “Cat-Girl McGuillicuddy” on account of the sheer amount of lewdness that I once shoved into my eye holes. But I’m not that person no more. And you know who got me out of it? These women. These sexy, well-rounded (not like that, ya freak) women who made me realize that being well written is the sexiest thing of all.
Listen, you can’t go wrong with Motoko Kusanagi. She might be the sexiest lady in anime history. Why? Well for one, in a medium that often reduces women to supporting roles, she’s unequivocally the main character. And main characters are sexy by default, capiche? She’s the commander of an elite military unit called Section 9, which is responsible for defending Japan against cyber-terrorists and espionage from foreign governments. She’s a tactical genius, a charismatic leader, and a force of all-out destruction on the battlefield. She hand-picked her all-male task force based on their individual skills, and yet none of those guys make any attempt to sexualize her or denigrate her because she’s a woman. You know why? Number one is because she picked a team of respectful professionals who ain’t gonna try to make a body pillow out of her. Number two is because she would wipe the floor with each and every one of them if they did. Now, don’t get me wrong here, Motoko Kusangi is beautiful. But the show ain’t about her being beautiful. Her beauty is simply a small facet of the jewel that is her overall character. As a bonus, Motoko is also one of the best LGBT characters in anime. She has relationships with women throughout the many adaptations of Ghost In The Shell and-HANDS WHERE I CAN FUCKING SEE THEM. Jesus, you’re disgusting. IT’S NOT THAT KIND OF SHOW. Sure, Motoko dates girls. There are even a couple of scenes where Motoko is intimate with girls. But unlike you, the show isn’t weird about it. Motoko’s sexuality is just one small aspect of a very complete, multi-faceted lady.
See here’s the thing about Full Metal Alchemist, it’s lousy with hot girls. It’s got the Elric brother’s badass mentor, Izumi Curtis. It’s got the ice-cold commander Olivier Mira Armstrong, and the sexiest one of all, I’m talking of course about—NO, I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT LUST. You WOULD think I meant Lust, wouldn’t you? It’s the name, isn’t it? Sure it is, you freak. Now listen, Lust is a great character. Sure, she’s heavily objectified but she uses it to her advantage. Yes, she is 100% body pillow material BUT I’M TRYING TO GET YOU AWAY FROM THINKIN’ THINKY THOUGHTS LIKE THAT. So allow me to direct your attention, to Riza Hawkeye.
Riza Hawkeye is a sharpshooter and firearms specialist, and is the personal bodyguard of Roy Mustang. Let me say that again, she’s Roy Mustang’s BODYGUARD. You know, Roy the Flame Alchemist? The guy who makes things EXPLODE IN COLUMNS OF FIRE? That guy’s a BADASS. And HE picked HER as his BODYGUARD. That means she’s DOUBLE THE BADASS. Riza is the person that he trusts with his LIFE. And I can see why. Riza is the perfect soldier. She’s logical, disciplined, and a fierce fighter. She seems a little cold and prickly on the outside, but inside she’s got a warm, caring heart. She’s dedicated to protecting others, serving her country, and looking damn good doing it. Maybe you should try doing one of those things, huh? How ’bout start with the last one? Seriously, take a shower, you’re gross.
I can see you’re coming around. These badass military-types are working their magic. And perfect to have a little crush on. Or a big, creepy crush, knowing you. Well, against my better judgment, allow me to introduce you to another crushable woman in uniform: Hange Zoe. For one thing, Hange is smart. REAL smart. Obviously, you can tell by her glasses, only smart people wear glasses in anime, but she’s smarter than all the smarties who ever smarted across your T.V. screen (or laptop, you probably pirate it all, don’t you?). Well if you’re gonna pirate something, I’d rather it be her than any of those One Piece types. Anyway, like I was saying, Hange is a real smart cookie. She’s the lead inventor in the Scout Regiment, and has developed countless pieces of military technology that have prevented people from getting gobbled up by Titans time and time again. Her genius-level intellect has gotten her comrades out of jam after jam, and it’s made her an invaluable asset to the military. She’s also fun, funny, and quirky as hell, and she LOVES titans. It’s a little bit of a weird obsession, but you know all about those, don’t you? You two would probably get along swimmingly.
I’m reluctant to show you this next lady on the list, cause I just KNOW you’re gonna get lewd thoughts. But I’m trusting you. Can you tell that I’m trusting you? I’m taking off your hand restraints. Please keep them where I can see them.
Okay, so Revy is drawn in a more traditional “sexy anime girl” way, but my God what a great character she is. For one, she’ll kill you. She’s a murderer, plain and simple. And she loves it. She’s had a hard life. She was raised in poverty and found work as a mercenary. She works for the Lagoon Company, a four-man criminal organization that smuggles goods across the seas of Southeast Asia. She has little regard for human life, and doesn’t believe in any higher concepts such as God, love, or the general betterment of her fellow man. So, why is she sexy? Honestly, the sexiest thing about her is that in spite of her hard, brutal life, she’s still able to open up. Throughout Black Lagoon, it’s hinted that she is secretly in love with a member of her crew, a former salaryman named Rock. She expresses a tenderness for Rock, and though she’s about as sweet as a kick in the shin, she still manages to find space in her small, black heart for him. In the first season, the two share what’s gotta be one of the most romantic “kisses” in anime history. She and Rock are about to smoke cigarettes in the back of a car. She manages to light hers, but Rock can’t find a lighter. So what does she do? She leans in and lights his cigarette with hers while holding it in her mouth. It’s adorable, sexy, and delightfully true to her character. What’s that? No, you can’t have a drag of my cigarette. Stop looking at me like that. Jesus.
Celty Sturluson is the only woman on this list who ain’t actually a woman. She’s a dullahan, a creature from Irish myth and legend. A dullahan is a spirit that rides a black horse while carrying its own head in its hands. So how does a girl who ain’t actually a girl hide that fact in modern day Japan? She turns her horse into a motorcycle and wears a motorcycle helmet over her headless neck. It sounds creepy, and it is. Again, not as creepy as you. But for the most part, it’s pretty adorable. Like every other girl on this list, she’s a certified badass, and is able to manifest a scythe made out of literal darkness in order to fight. And fight she does. In the beginning of the series, she rescues a young woman who is kidnapped by a group of sex traffickers. And yes, she does use the scythe on them. It’s awesome. She’s also a person of cosmopolitan interests, and has plenty of hobbies. She loves movies and video games, and she’d probably even watch an anime with you. Just not THAT kind of anime. Honestly, the sexiest thing about Celty is that she’s fun and optimistic. She enjoys life. She spends her days riding a motorcycle, talking about aliens, and helping people. I can’t think of anything sexier than that. I’m sure you couldn’t either. That wasn’t an invitation to try. I’m serious. DON’T TRY. HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM.
I need a new job.
Featured image credit: White Fox
—The Mary Sue has a strict comment policy that forbids, but is not limited to, personal insults toward anyone, hate speech, and trolling.—
Have a tip we should know? tip[email protected]